Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
