All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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