I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
