I faked an abortion last night.
Your dad touched me again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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