im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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