I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
