i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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