Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
