I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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