Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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