Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How naked do you want me to be?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
