I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize