I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
