At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Someone shit on the floor
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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