he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
