this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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