I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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