so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
