I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
