Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
