i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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