He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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