god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize