dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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