true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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