I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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