Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
