what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
