Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
