Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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