I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
