my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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