Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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