Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
