I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
