The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
