Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
