It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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