The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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