Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
