I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
