haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
