nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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