i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
