I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
