So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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