I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
