garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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