im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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