Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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