I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize