It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pants are for mortals
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