he puts the penis in happiness.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize