I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
