I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
