Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize