i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We got so high we made milksteak
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
