Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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