Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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