I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
