It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i love accidental penises.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
