i'm signing you up for texting rehab
honey bunches of taint.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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