I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
