why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
