we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
