I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drake has all the answers
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
