Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
